She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
