the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
