My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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