i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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