Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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