why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
