One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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