Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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