I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
