I'm really into asian looking animals
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
