Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
