Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
