i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
