The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
