he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
