Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Too much gin, very little bucket
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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