would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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