Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
