nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
