This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
