I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
