Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
