Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
