i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
