You smell like a Billy Joel song
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I need water and some morals
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
