yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
