My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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