I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
