I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
