I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
