when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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