DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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