oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm always down for nudity.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
