I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
