he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
What a dumb baby whore.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
