OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
