i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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