I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
