she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
