Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
