definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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