i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
