first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
