omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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