i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
