i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
