i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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