you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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