Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
