We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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