She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
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Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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