After last night, I could never be a politician.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize