I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
