Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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