I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
