I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
