Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
