I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
