Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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