My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
