take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
