honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
