My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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