My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
