you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So vagazzling was a success
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
