We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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