maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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