i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Did I show you my penis last night?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
